All this suicide talk. And I have to go be social soon.
I keep thinking maybe I’ll pick a fight with someone and they’ll king hit me. Or I would walk across a road and just forget to look. Or I could purposefully slip in the shower. I don’t know if I would drown myself in the pool. Drowning is painful.
I wonder what my letter would be like. To say goodbye. A look after my family sort of thing. An it’s nobodies fault but mine thing.
Sometimes my arms bend backwards.
Oh dear. History repeating itself one generation at a time. One daughter at a time. I see my own past arguments mirrored here.
So I’ve been compulsively picking at things. Satsumas. I’ll put on nail polish to pick it off. When I don’t have something like that to pick at I’ll pick at my skin. Digging my nails in to scratch and push out ingrown hairs. It’s not clever or very good. I’m glad my nails are short. I’ve been thinking lots of negative thoughts about myself.
i’m having a weird day sexuality wise, and body wise too. i am operating on zero libido today, a total ace day for me, and i’m also hating on my body a lot. which is a shame because i’m pretty sure my partner is very horny today, and i have no way or motivation to keep up at the moment. this also makes me feel increasingly irrelevant.